Emails To Jim Tressel About Scumbag Players

Betting On Charlie Sheen's Next Arrest

Thanks to the fine folks over at BetUs, you can now officially wager on what F-18 Sheen will be busted for and when. At +1000, I think Tax Evasion is incredibly cheap. Hell I would have paid +200 for it, but don't tell the book makers. With the exception of cocaine possession, I can't really see any of the others happening soon. He won't rape anyone because he buys porns stars. As far as I know he doesn't have guns or the use for them. He always hosts the parties so he won't be out driving drunk. Assault...well that's actually a totally reasonable option. That would probably be my free pick winner of the day. Public nudity and urination doesn't really seem like his style. He's not a known graffiti artist. Hotel room is a likely choice as well but I don't think he'd get arrested for that. He'd just have to drop off a bag of money at the front desk on his way out.

I am going to go the other way though and say F-18 has no legal troubles the rest of the year. You have to remember, he blinked his eyes and cured himself.

Jimmy Kimmel - Cat In The Hat And F-18 Sheen

There are a ton of different Charlie Sheen things floating around out there, from remixes to quote generators, but somehow seeing his interviews combined with Dr Seuss might be the most disturbing of all. Personally, I think being a fucking rockstar is a pre-req for being a good dad, not a liability.

Did I Mention I Like To Dance Gifs

Charles Barkley May Be Wrong, But I Doubt It.

I tend to stay away from ads that are clearly created with the hope that they go viral, as to avoid encouraging such things, but some of them are too good to pass up. This isn't the greatest video on the internet; it's not even the greatest sports remix in the past month. It does however feature Charles Barkley. I don't know why, but the man provides me with endless entertainment. I can't tell if he's a complete moron, or just sounds like one. One thing's for sure though, he is the most dominant power forward under 6'6" in the history of the NBA.



via DailyWhat


I can't really see Sir Charles without thinking of his time on SNL. He was funny as he was awkward.

Backyard Ninja Laundry

Prepare to see a lot more gifs in the near future, starting with my favorite ninja going to town on some laundry detergent bottles...because sometimes you just need to cut a bitch.

Who Needs A Key When You Have A Grenade

If you watch a lot of CBS, you have undoubtedly seen the promo that calls Hawaii Five-0 the best remake in the history of television. I'm not sure if that's true or not, but I definitely like it. I'm always a fan of shows that let the main people act like badasses instead of just having to follow the strict letter of the law (Horatio Caine kills a lot of people on CSI:Miami). During last night's episode, Steve McGarrett picks an interesting technique for getting past a door that a pawn shop dealer refuses to open. I will be sure to remember this next time I really need to get into some girl's apartment.


Using A Grenade To Open Door Uploaded by TheFlintSkinny.

Matt Damon's Talks With Kenny Mayne

If you missed Kenny Mayne's Super Bowl special, you didn't miss that much. I generally find his stuff pretty funny, but even when it's not there is usually at least one salvagable part. That is definitely the case from this past Sunday. While the overall segment pretty much sucked, a cameo by Matt Damon saved the day. "How about absolute cinch...to dominate."

I Am A Real American Twitterer

For some reason today I decided it was time to part ways with the hundreds of businesses, random marketers, and "social media experts" that I followed as a courtesy. I am sure I accidentally un-followed some of you fine folks out there, so sorry about that. Just throw @flintskinny in a tweet and I'll be sure to get you back in the game. That's just what happens in the midst of a rapid fire purge. I couldn't take 1000+ links a day telling me how to make money via twitter or the best ways to get followers anymore. The fun part now is seeing how long it takes for all the people I ditched to abandon me. I figure I should be down to about 800 followers by this time next week.

The First Of Many Twitter Posts To Appear On The Flint Skinny

People often ask why I care about being on twitter. Awesome people like Tanner Mayes, that's why.

TSA Can't Stop Me Let Alone A Terrorist

As some of you are aware, I took a trip out to Washington DC to surprise a friend for his birthday. Yeah, I'm a real sweetheart like that. Really I just needed a change of drinking scenery because Chicago can only handle so much of me. A few highlights of the trip:

• Dressing like a pirate in a bar at 1pm
• Watching a man total 9 in a game of bowling
• Consuming 878 ounces of beer from table-taps.
• Having a drink called a "Bloody Tampon"
• Seeing someone puke into two different glasses before going to the bathroom.
• Claiming I didn't know him and getting a two free drinks for my inconvenience.
• Getting kicked out of the bar.
• Hearing the term "hideous butt possum"
• Bloody Mary's with bacon in them
• Re-discovering the drunk octopus

Nothing from the trip really stands out quite as much as the lack of effective security at the airport though. That picture up top is a credit card survival tool that I keep in my wallet. I'm not gonna lie, I got it because I thought having a bottle opener in your wallet was pretty badass. I had completely forgotten it was in there until I landed in DC. It's not like I had flown out of Flint either; the Chicago O'Hare (3rd busiest in the world) TSA let me through without incident. While they are busy confiscating nail clippers, tweezers, and shampoo over 3 ounces, I rolled right by with knife, screw driver, and saw. No big deal right? Next time you fly, just remember there could be some nutjob like me sitting behind you with a knife

Sorry Folks, I'm Marking Them All As Read

This weekend I went out to Washington DC to surprise a buddy for his birthday. His girlfriend coordinated the whole thing, and it for the most part went off without a hitch. If you follow the facebook page, you'd know it invovled me dressed as a pirate, drinking a "bloody tampon," and accepting that I'm a terrible wingman. I got back home tonight and decided I should check out what I've missed in the world of the internet. It turns out about 1400 posts awaited my review, and that just wasn't going to happen. I apologize to anyone who worked hard creating a post that I will never see.

Brett Favre - What Should I Do Commercial

No, that's not actually Brett...or a real penis.

I hate talking about Brent Farve, so I offer this video up with very minimal comment. It's funny.

What The Hell Is A Fresh Breast?

Anyone? Anyone? Can some one please explain why someone would be searching for "fresh breasts?" Does that mean right out of the shower? Is that what they are called in the few weeks after you get inplants? I'm out of the loop. Help!

Hokeamania Has Arrived

Lemme tell you sum’n, brother! Michigan may have sucked for the past three years, but those days are over. Brady Hoke is here, and it’s time to teach these boys a little something about toughness. Whatcha gonna do when the maize and blue run wild on YOU!

There's Even Hokeamania Shirts

Not Everyone Loves Steve Jobs

Did you know that if you buy an Apple computer online, the store won't replace it for you when things inevitably go wrong? You have to send that fucker back even though there is a bar full of geniuses sitting around in a store full of computers they could give you. More on Dahl.com

My real problem with Apple is their ad campaign. Mac vs. PC? Do you people realize that this marketing technique by Apple assumes that you are all retards? Let's stop and think for half a second. PC stands for "personal computer." It doesn't stand for Windows Machine, or Dell Laptop, or That Thing You Bought At Best Buy Because It Was Cheap. It stands for personal computer. Do you know what a Mac is? Yep, you got it; it's a personal computer. A Mac is a PC. They just assume that you are so dumb that you won't realize that they aren't actually saying anything. If they had any balls, the ads would say that the Mac OS is better than Windows OS. Sadly, in the words of Tanaka, "Marbles! You have no marbles!" When you think about it, their commercials are actually a lot like fight club, where one person is so nuts that he just invents a second version of himself. Yeah, we typically lock those sort of people in insane asylums.

Oh, one more thing. Apple invented the mass-market PC. Suck on that.

Hilarious British Animal Voiceovers

Those who know me well are aware that I love animals. Not in the, "I want to save them, don't wear fur, be a vegetarian" sort of way. Just in the, "I think animals are awesome" sort of way. I'm a grown-ass man and have a stuffed tiger in my room, a gorilla on my christmas tree, a bear as an apartment greeter, and a dancing penguin on the mantle. I'd be a liar if I didn't admit I liked trying to come up with dialog back when Planet Earth came out. Thankfully some one went ahead and did it for me so I didn't have to think about it any more. The ground hog(?) yelling "Alan!" is definitely reminiscent of Stewie on Family Guy. Aside from him the beatboxing squirrel and the rapping puffins are my favorites.

Who Needs A Book To Learn Things?

Some of you might not be familiar with what a torrent is. It's the new(ish) way of sharing stuff online by pulling bits and pieces of a file from many different places at once. It's still technically illegal for copy-written material, but there are a lot of people out there (certainly not me officer of the cyber police) using it to download movies/tv shows/music. What makes this picture very sad is that by searching for the torrent, that means someone was actually trying to find and download the text of the book Triple Penetration for Dummies.

I'm not exactly sure why someone would want to read that, but hey, I'm not hear to judge. Ok, yes I am. You're an idiot. Just watch a couple porns; it's not that complicated. While I would never be involved in such things, after watching porn for the past however many years of my life, I'm pretty sure I'm familiar with how to do all the variations of triple penetration. I'm sure Sasha Grey can come up with a few more, but probably not enough to warrant you reading a book. Get your life together.

Vote For My Friend As I Make Amends For Past Offenses

Back in my collegiate days, which I like to think were just last year, we did a lot of shit that we found to be hysterical at the time. In retrospect, some of it was pretty stupid, but most still stands the test of time. One such juvenile act was to duct tape a friend to a chair while we sat around drinking. At some point, we decided we needed to order food. We couldn't for the life of us decide what we wanted, until a light bulb popped over a young Flint Skinny's head.

We decided that the order of the day would be Chinese food, and that we would leave our friend taped to the chair for the delivery guy to find. We put the money in his blindfold, and when the delivery man arrived, we simply yelled, "come in." You can imagine the look on the poor delivery guy's face when he opened the door to see a fellow countryman (he's actually Filipino, not Chinese) securely bound to a chair. The man simply took the money, dropped the food, and walked out. As the door slammed, a sad little Filipino attempted to yell, "Help me," but it came out merely as a whisper.

Now, thanks to that wonderful evening I put him through, he has come to me with a favor. He's in a a contest on facebook in which his picture has to get the most "likes." Whoever has the most wins a two-night getaway for two at the Catskills resort, The Roxbury. So if you are bored, do me a favor and go vote for him. Today is the last day for voting some tomorrow morning you can go ahead and unlike the company, and the picture for that matter, if you want.

Reason #1: You have no idea what's happening in the picture. She's rockin' the "Asian tourist" pose, while I believe he is eating the bear out.

Reason #2:His blog is a piece of shit and he could probably use the self-confidence. I mean look at the thing, there are photo errors everywhere. That's like the glasses, pony-tail, and paint-covered overalls of the blog world.

Reason #3: It's a ski trip, and he has no f'ing clue how to ski. He's promised me exclusive access to all photos (they're asian, there will be plenty) and stories of the epic failures that result over the two days, as well as copies of medical records with free reign to publish as I see fit.

Reason #4: You probably haven't done anything nice yet today, and karma is a bitch.

Reason #5: He's made some decent contributions to The Flint Skinny, as seen here.

All you have to do is "like" the company.
Then "like" the photo.

The links were cleverly embeded in the sentences above. I like to keep things lookin' clean for you.

SNL Roundup: Bernie, Keenan, Blizzy B, And Leslie Nielsen

A month back I posted about how I stayed in on a Saturday night and ended up watching SNL. I know, it was a very sad story for someone as amazingly awesome as myself. Well, in order to not let any of you down again, I haven't stayed in another Sat. night since then. The banner picture is from the crazy-hat bar crawl I organized in Chicago yesterday. While I wasn't out all night, starting on a 13 bar quest at 2pm left me in no condition to even consider turning on my TV once I got home. Per usual, I just hit up Hulu today to see if there were any funny skits, and there happened to be a couple. (Check out past SNL posts)

The first one really hit home. It was a Digital Short remake(?) of Weekend at Bernie's. For years now we have had the plan of making Weekend at Bernie's 5 starring a couple friends and I with Joe Paterno as the lovable dead guy. We still haven't been able to find funding for that, but I'm quite confident that it should be coming any day now.




I don't know what it is about the "What's Up With That" skits that I love so much. This wasn't the best one, but still pretty funny. From the few clips I watched, it seemed like De Niro made a great choice going into films because his improve/live work is quite terrible. Robin Williams seemed right at home with his 13 words, but De Niro was struggling. Good to see that SNL is also keeping up there trend of ensuring that Kristen Wiig is in every single fucking skit.




Poppa Diddy Pop was last night's musical guest with his new R&B group Diddy-Two Random Singer Bitches That He Puts It To Diddy-Dirty Money. He also managed to appear in a sketch with one of the best repeat characters from Andy Samberg. Blizzard Man is a grade A rap star who spits heat so hot that Satan himself needs a fan.




When Leslie Nielsen passed away last week, a ton of clips from past movies popped up on just about every blog. Because it was so widely covered, I didn't feel the need to partake. While cruising the streets of Hulu though, I spotted this old gem from his time on SNL and figured I'd pass it along for you.